I was going to wish everyone a Happy New Year with ordinary, run-of-the-mill ideas about ways to accomplish change. After all, making changes is what New Year’s resolutions are all about. I was going to write about making changes that are beneficial to healthy voicing - the area of my expertise. But instead, I have decided to discuss making a change to your way of thinking - a deeper, more difficult habit to break, but necessary in fostering personal resilience.
Some people are naturally resilient, but others have very little natural ability to rise up after a fall. Most, I suspect, are like me in that we are able to move past painful events that affect our lives in areas of small to medium importance. We struggle with hurtful events that have a profound or life-changing effect on our beliefs, our reality or our existence. I have always considered myself to be a resilient person, but recently, I have been challenged to the extremes of my capacity to be mentally positive and not allow negative thoughts to determine my behaviour and dictate my future. After months of ruminating, counselling, reflection, and talking, talking, talking, I think I’ve nearly accomplished what I need to heal, move forward and create the future I want for myself.
The structure for this blog post is based on a TedTalk by Dr Lucy Hone, who consolidated much of what my therapists have been suggesting to me over the last two years. When I listened to her talk, it crystalised all the work I’ve been doing into 16 minutes. I encourage everyone to listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWH8N-BvhAw
Dr Hone attributes being resilient to acceptance of three ideas, and I paraphrase:
1. “Shit happens”. Bad things happen to good people, and if we are able to accept this reality, that suffering is part of everyone’s life and there is no avoiding it, we feel less discriminated against.
2. Focus your attention. It is useful to focus on things that can be changed and accept those that cannot be changed in order to practice “benefit finding”. Dr Hone describes this process as “hunting the good” or “accepting the good” in every catastrophe. It’s hard to believe, but there is some sort of silver lining within every disaster.
3. Always ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing helping or harming me?” The answer to this question gives you control over your behaviours, thoughts and decision making. I have tried to focus on this third and most important idea, with varying amount of success. As an adjunct, I pledged to act in a way that reflects my values. I am trying to be the person I want to be and not let my pain dictate my behaviour. I am trying to act in the way I wish to be remembered.
In addition to the ideas expressed in Dr Hone’s talk, I believe one must practice forgiveness in order to develop resilience. Forgiving others is so difficult, but so necessary. My husband considers forgiveness has been granted when the pain goes away. Pain goes away with time and healing. I think Dr Hone’s three ideas promote self-healing, perhaps resulting in a decrease of the time required for forgiveness to happen.
Personally, I think forgiveness is an emotional and conscious choice. One chooses to separate the person from the behaviour which inflicted such intense pain. Often, resilient people choose to forgive those who have hurt them whilst still experiencing the pain. Whatever you think is the path to forgiveness, it is made easier if the previous ideas have been embraced and internalised.
So, after the challenges presented to the world in 2020, during which we witnessed the resilience of mankind, I wish for you a new year in which you are able to focus and develop your own personal resilience. I believe this attribute is the key to a lifetime of happiness, success and love. HAPPY NEW YEAR!