For trans people, exposing their new voice is difficult and requires practice to overcome nervousness. Conventional wisdom is to practice any type of public speaking within the safe space of friends and family, but what if that space doesn't feel safe?
I had a client who seemed to be ‘stuck’. She came to see me on a weekly basis and made great progress during sessions. Each time, she was able to create a sound that was well within gender-neutral parameters and she seemed enthusiastic about her new voice. Confusingly, she began each session with the baritone voice that belonged to the person of her birth gender. When I asked whether she was using her feminised voice with family or friends, she confessed she didn’t have the courage to ‘try out’ her new voice with anyone else, not even family. She conceded they were all fully accepting of her transition and totally supportive, but she just didn’t have the nerve to modify her voice in front of them – even when visually presenting completely as a woman. She confessed to me, “I feel like a fraud, because they all know me as Steve.” (name changed)
Many of my clients find taking this step extremely frightening. Why? Surely, family and friends are your most supportive groups of people. They are not looking to harshly judge you. They know you best, have been with you all your life and know your history. Perhaps that’s precisely the problem.
Your family and friends know you intimately. They immediately recognise your voice and can infer from it all that is possible for it to convey – your emotional state, fatigue, illness, joy and nervousness. You may feel they will be critical or judgemental of your attempts to change your voice, because they will hear your old voice creeping into your new voice. Even if they don’t want you to have this fear and are trying to give you helpful feedback, they may not be able to censor their opinions or express their criticisms gently enough to make you feel comfortable.
You may wonder if they will be able to get used to the new voice – will they like it? Will they embrace it? It may be that your family and friends are those you most want to impress and please. After all, they’ve invested in you and your success will have an affect on them, as well, so fear of failure may be at your most extreme.
I am one of those people with this problem. I have performed as a soloist in front of thousands of strangers at the Royal Albert Hall, but I am far more nervous when singing in front of my friends. I think it’s my fear that they may compare me to other singers – both professional and amateur – and I may rank lower in their regard. But, that’s probably not the case. It’s more likely they appreciate my singing along with that of others. We’re all different, with different qualities and attributes and to them, my voice is no less ‘good’ than any others.
We are not alone. Glossophobia is speech anxiety. Basically, “speaking publicly whether it be in front of a group of unknown people, or a close group of friends, is what triggers the anxiety for the speaker.” – Wikipedia Fear of public speaking affects about 77% of the population, but the additional concern of exhibiting a new sound makes it particularly stressful for transgender people.
When researching this phobia, all experts say the same thing: practice is key. It’s fine to begin by practicing in private, but sooner or later you’re going to have to speak in front of other people. Usually, the first step is to practice your new voice in the presence of your voice coach – a safe space with someone who offers compassionate, but constructive criticism. Daunting, but necessary, so most people get used to this situation pretty quickly.
The next most conventional stepping-stone recommended by public speaking coaches is to practice your new voice in front of friends and family. This step broadens your safe space for trying out your new voice.
Now, I realise not everyone has a fully supportive and accepting group of family and friends. In reality, a trans person may encounter a great range of reactions from family and friends during transition. In fact, the series Boy Meets Girl brilliantly depicts this range of responses from two sets of families and friends. But, some people are fortunate enough to have family and friends who take an active role in helping their loved one transition. One client’s father gave her mother a stunning bracelet with the LGBT+ colours represented with aquamarine, sapphire & diamond precious stones (pictured above). I was touched by this visible testament of love and support for their child, so I wanted to share it here.
In the article, When Talking to Strangers Is Easier than Talking to People You Know, the author writes of speaking to strangers:
“you can even play a different character, the person you want to be instead of who you really are…”
In contrast to speaking with strangers, you may be afraid that you cannot successfully be your true self with people who are close to you, because they know you so well. You may feel it will be impossible to gain their acceptance of your new identity. But, the same article reads,
“You shouldn’t be afraid to show who you truly are. Although you have flaws and weaknesses, you also have strengths and virtues. Correct your flaws if you don’t like them instead of hiding them from the people who trust you. Remember that they have their own.”
But, in the article, Speaking In Front of Family, Friends and Relations, the author makes an important point about those people:
“They have been a witness; with you all the way through your life to date, watching you develop and grow into the wonderful person you are today, some more than others. Whether it is speaking to them on a one to one or in a large group or indeed formally at a social occasion, they want to see and hear the real you speaking i.e. they want you to be authentic. If you are not, they may not believe what you are saying.”
Give voice to your authentic self. Your friends and family deserve to have that person – your true, best self – in their lives. Being your best self takes practice and courage. Start now.